As I said in my last entry, I have been taking Methadone for the past two months. If you’re unfamiliar with what Methadone is, it’s basically synthetic heroin. It’s usually used to get people off of heroin, but is also used to treat chronic pain.

I fell while hiking and, as a result, fractured my ankle and tore the ligament away from the bone. (read: avulsion fracture) The medicine the doctor prescribed me (Percocet, which might as well be Pez) didn’t work because I have a history of chronic pain and have built up a tremendous tolerance to most medications. I tried explaining this to him, but he automatically assumed that I’m a drug addict and was just searching for my next high. Because of this, I went without any relief from the pain. After a few days, I couldn’t take it any longer. I wanted to put a bullet in my brain.

The Annoyance has been taking Methadone for several years due to back problems, and for some God awful reason, she felt it was a good idea to start giving me her Methadone for the pain. The medication barely takes the edge off, but even that is a God-send. Unfortunately, though, the medication is also horribly addictive and, after taking between 60 and 80 milligrams every day for the past two months, I have acquired both a tolerance and an addiction to it.

For the past two weeks or so, if I even went an extra hour before taking my next dose, I started going into withdrawal. I get super nauseous, a terrible migraine, very irritable. I go from hot to cold and back again in no-time-flat, but I sweat profusely no matter what my body temperature is.

I absolutely need to get off of this shit. I just need something to help make the pain manageable until it’s tolerable without having to take medicine at all, at which point I can start taking Suboxone to help curb the withdrawal the rest of the way.

I took my last dose of Methadone yesterday around 10am. Although everyone tells me that I should be weaning myself off of it, I don’t want it in my body anymore and am trying to just get off it ‘Cold Turkey‘.

The migraine started around 5 o’clock yesterday evening, and by 7pm I wanted to die. Someone gave me different pain medication (Oxycontin and Roxicodone) in an effort to help get me off the Methadone, and I took my first dose of Oxycontin at around 10:30. I wasn’t able to fall asleep until around 4am, and I woke back up at 6:30 with a migraine from hell.

I went as long as I could today without taking anything. At 1pm, I couldn’t take it anymore. I gave in and took half of an Oxycontin. I waited until 3:30 and still didn’t feel any better, so I took the other half. I still felt like dying at 6:30, so I took half of a Roxicodone and a Klonopin. It’s now 9:03 and I still have the migraine from hell. I’m still going from hot to cold and back again, and I’m still sweating like a prostitute in church. I’m over-sensitive. Everything anyone has said to me today has made me feel 2 inches tall and I can’t help but burst into tears. I’m about to take the other half of the Roxicodone.

I haven’t been able to eat anything at all today. I’ve been trying to drink as much as possible, but even that is a chore. I’ve mostly stayed in bed all day, trying to sleep through it as much as I can.

I hope that reading this, you don’t think that I’m just a junkie. That’s not it at all! I’m trying to get off of an evil drug and, unfortunately, have to use something different in the meantime to manage pain. Even with these different medications, I’m still going through awful withdrawal, which is both scary and confusing. (I’m withdrawing from opiates – I thought taking different opiates would take place of the Methadone and lessen the withdrawal symptoms, but apparently I was wrong.)

It’s important to me to write down what I’m going through because I know that I’m not the only person in the world with an opiate addiction, nor the only one going through withdrawal, but I also know that when it’s happening, you can’t help but feel like you are the only one in the world going through it. I need to document my experience (the good, the bad, and the ugly) for all those who are too embarrassed or ashamed to admit that they have a problem or are too afraid to ask for help. I know that it’s going to be hard; probably one of the hardest things I (or you) have ever had to endure, but it’s going to be so worth it in the end.

For anyone else going through this with me, I want you to know that I’m right here with you. I know you can do it – I know you will do it, if you really set your mind to it. If you need some support along the way, I will always be here. It’s not easy to go through alone, and I don’t want you to ever feel that you have to. You are more than welcome to send me an email or an IM any time you need to.

I have been super stressed for the past couple of days and it’s turning me into a major bitch. I can’t stand myself when I’m like this, but I don’t know how to stop it. I just want to curl up in a hole until it all blows over.

Lover and I have been at each others’ throats for the past few days because of it. Everything he says, I feel like he’s talking to me like I’m a retard or something. It’s my biggest pet peeve, so of course I give him an attitude and that starts a fight. We make up, and then we’re back at it five minutes later.

I can’t stand it anymore. I actually hung up on him today. Now I feel like the worst girlfriend on the planet.

The sound of Romeo meowing is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I ended up chucking him out my bedroom door. I immediately broke into tears cause I felt terrible about it. That is so not me. I love my cat more than anything.

I don’t know what to do – I don’t know what I can do. I’m so lost. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m mad at myself for breaking my ankle. It’s hard for me to do anything for myself, and I hate having to rely on other people to take care of me. I’ve been trying more and more every day to get back on my feet, but it hurts too bad and I just get discouraged. I’m sure this is a huge part of my stress. I feel like a huge inconvenience.

On top of that, I’m getting really irritated with work. No matter how many hours I work, I still don’t have any money. The Annoyance insists upon me handing over pretty much my entire paycheck, and then I don’t have any money to do what I want to do or get the things that I need. The only way I can think of to alleviate this is to lie to The Annoyance about how much I’m making, but lying to her makes me feel like a horrible person.

I’m also irritated with myself because, over the past month and a half, I’ve been having to take pain killers constantly for my ankle and I’ve acquired both a tolerance and an addiction to them. I fought so hard to kick my addiction a few years ago, and now I’m going to have to do it again. And this time it’s going to be harder, because instead of taking Percocet, I’ve been taking Methadone, which is basically legal, synthetic Heroin.

And to top it all off, my period is almost 2 weeks late. I have basically all the signs of early pregnancy, but I have a feeling it’s just stress-and-drug-related. I took a test this morning which came back negative. I know I should be relieved, but it actually upset me more. I’m not ready to have a baby yet, by any means, but the idea of it actually brought a little smile to my face. Now I’m back to feeling like a pathetic excuse for a woman.

Now that I think about it, I get like this every month around “that time of the month”. I think it’s time for me to go to a doctor… This shit is unbearable.