I’m going to start off by saying this: I. Hate. Christmas. It used to be my favorite day of the year. When I was younger, maybe til I was 11 or 12, it was the day I looked forward to all year long. It was the only day that I got to see all of my [dad's side of the] family, all at the same time. Every few years, I even got the chance to see my dad, brother, and sister.

Christmas mornings were always spent with Mom and Tom, up until I was 12. Then Mom left Tom for The Crackhead, and everything went downhill. When I was younger, there was usually a couple random family members from my mom’s side, like my Papa and Gramma, or my Uncles, Troy and Shane.

We’d wake up early and open presents first thing. After presents, we always had a french toast breakfast. After breakfast, we’d sit around together watching The Parade on television and playing with our new contraptions. My mom would make something like a pot roast or lasagna dinner, and we always ate at 3 or 4, which I always found peculiar.

Shortly after dinner with Mom, I would get dropped off at Nanny and Poppy’s house. I’d walk in and give my hugs and kisses and hellos, and then find my cousins to run around, play in the bedroom and living room, watch Disney movies, or chase the dog. Sometimes Poppy would play Pass the Pigs with us at the kitchen table. After a couple hours of playing, Nanny and Poppy would call us in for dinner. It was always a big turkey or ham dinner, the adults at their table and my cousins and I occupying the Kid’s Table. There was mashed potatoes and green bean casserole and stuffing and cranberry sauce and corn and anything else you could think of. We’d eat several servings of food before the desserts were brought out, and then we settled into the living room for presents.

My grandmother and grandfather always bought me Beach Boys and Bing Crosby cassette tapes, and video taped me singing silly songs. I still have a VHS tape of one embarrassing incident. Those are some of the only good memories of my childhood.

My Poppy died when I was 12 years old, and my whole family basically fell apart. My Nanny told us we had to ‘make appointments’ to go visit her. Nobody gathered together for holidays anymore. It seems we only see each other at funerals now: First my Uncle Tommy, then my Uncle Billy, and Nanny a few months ago.

It breaks my heart that we can’t all get together like we used to; I miss everyone so much. I’m ‘friends’ with a select few on Facebook, but we don’t really communicate back and forth very much. One of my cousins posted a few pictures from one of the last Christmases at Nanny and Poppy’s a few weeks ago and I started to tear up when I saw them. The whole family gathered together in the living room, smiling and genuinely happy. I think it’s the only photograph of the whole family together. There were also pictures of me and my siblings, the first time I met my sister. I remember the moments before and after that image was taken so vividly I can feel them, and it hurts my heart to know that nothing like that will ever happen again.

As far as my mom’s side of the family goes, they may as well not even exist. My Grandma and Poppa moved with my Uncle Shane down to Florida several years ago and refuse to have any contact with us. My Uncle Troy got married and had kids and refuses to talk to my mom, so I suffer by default. The only person I’m still close with from my mom’s side of the family is my Aunt Lorie, though she refuses to talk to my mom too. She’s the only one that didn’t let my mom get in the way of our relationship, and she’s always been like a second mom to me. A real mom, which is nice. She doesn’t celebrate Christmas though, which is why she hasn’t been mentioned til now.

From the time I was 12 til around 16, I spent Christmas with Mom and The Crackhead, and from 16 on, I’ve spent Christmas with my Boyfriends’ families. Last year was the first time spending it back with The Annoyance and Crackhead, and it was utterly painful.

Christmas isn’t what it used to be. It doesn’t feel like it used to. I don’t look forward to it anymore. In fact, I down right dread it. I loathe spending any time at all with The Annoyance or her Crackhead boyfriend, so spending the whole day with them is torture. If I’m lucky, my fiancé’s grandmother will agree to have me over for dinner, so I’ll be able to escape rather early. After dinner there, we usually end up going to my (future) father-in-law’s bar for a few drinks. Depending on Grandma’s mood later, we either crash at her house or drive back into town to stay at mine.

This year is the first year in my life that there’s no Christmas Tree in my house. I’m not all about the huge tree and the decorating, but c’mon now… At least by a 2 foot tall pre-decorated something from The Dollar Store or something. There was no effort put into it at all. My mom was going to let me do my own shopping – For the first time ever, I actually made a list of the things I wanted to buy:

1. The Game of Things
2. A headset for the PC
3. Winter boots
4. Six Feet Under DVD Boxset
5. Posters/Tapestries – Something to hang on my walls
6. Body jewelry
7. ? RAM for the PC
8. ? A better webcam
9. ? Clothes
10. ? A better telephone for my bedroom
11. ? Books
    • The Peaceful Warrior Series by Dan Brown
    • I’ll Scream Later by Marlee Matlin
    • It Sucked and then I Cried by Heather Armstrong
    • Vintage Dita by Peter Czernich
    • Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein

I had actually picked out things to get other people, too, if I could get my hands on enough money.

Nothing turned out like I had expected. Nobody’s even happy to be in the same house as each other; we’re constantly at each others’ throats. Every time I leave my room, I get an attitude from someone for something. Nobody bothered asking what I wanted, and although I am getting pretty sweet gifts, I just wish I could have a say in something. I wish I could stop the bullshit for the day. I wish I could make people actually care about each other, even if just for 24 hours. I wish I could see family, and have just one more chance to experience The Happy Times.

Instead, I’ll be playing my Wii Sports Resort on my brand new Wii all day. I’m a bit late, but at least I finally got it!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everybody! Have fun and make good memories… That’s really all life’s about.

I received a call from a woman from Medicaid a few days ago. She asked me a couple of questions and then informed me that she’d open my case for six months. At the end of the six months, I have to send in a copy of my 2009 tax returns, and they’ll decide from there whether to keep my case open.

What does that mean exactly? I have health insurance for the next six months, at the very least! I asked her if that would include eye glasses and dental, which it does. She also said that it would cover my hospital stay from a few weeks ago. All the plans I made in my previous entry will be able to be completed, and soon! Unfortunately, Medicaid only covers three months prior to acceptance, so none of my other medical bills will be covered, but I’ll figure that out eventually. For now, I’m not worrying about the past; I’m worrying about the present and, ultimately, the future.

As soon as I get my insurance card in the mail, I’m making appointments for the dentist, the eye doctor, and a regular physician. From there, I’ll be able to get referrals to get my back and brain taken care of.

I am so elated, I can’t even begin to describe it.

I feel like for the first time in my life, I’m not just going through the motions. I’m actually taking charge and getting shit done. I’m getting insurance, I’ve been taking care of the other ordeal, I’m getting all of my previous work in order to get a portfolio and resume together so that I can get a good job, and I’m trying to get things straightened out with the DMV so that I don’t have to wait a year or pay $750 that I don’t have to start the whole process of getting my license all over again. I’m doing everything I need to do to get my life on track and keep it that way, and I’m really proud of myself.

I think I’m finally getting a hang of this whole life thing. I think I’m finally growing into my own skin and finding out what I really want out of life, and learning what I need to do to get it. There may be a lot of obstacles to overcome, and I know I’ve got a lot of them in my way right now, but I also know that for the first time ever, I have the strength and willpower and support to get through it all. And I will.

I had an absolutely horrible day today. I swear, I just can’t win. I apologize for all of my posts being full of bitching and unhappiness, but I need somewhere to vent about this shit…

I’ve been avoiding mentioning something pretty serious that’s going on right now. I’m still not going to give any details (I don’t know exactly who reads this and I don’t like the idea of certain people getting a hold of the information). I wish I could talk about it, but I think maybe it’s best to wait until everything has blown over and talk about it then. I have been stressing hardcore about it for a couple of weeks now, and I have to actually deal with it for the first time tomorrow. I’m terrified, to say the least. I haven’t slept in a few days (again) and I am absolutely exhausted. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep. It’s the only thing in the world that I want to do. Stressing about this is making it almost certain that I will not get any sleep again tonight. (FML)

I wanted to be in bed by 10 cause I have to be up at 7 to deal with aforementioned issue. It’s now 1:35 and I’m just not getting a chance to lie down. I’ve been writing this entry for hours. I really needed to get all of this off my chest. It’s really long, and I still have to do post-editing [adding in links and such] but I need to go to bed right now. I’ll finish editing tomorrow.

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I’ve been thinking more about the whole health insurance thing and I’ve come up with a plan. My ultimate goal is to be me again — I haven’t felt like me for several months and I don’t like it at all. I can’t deal with the constant stress and the way I’ve been feeling lately. I feel like I’m on the verge of needing to be put back into the psych ward, and it really scares me. That was one of the scariest things I’ve ever been through, but I almost feel like I need to go back and get some real help.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve got quite a few things that need to be addressed rather quickly. I’ve got over $3,000 worth of work that needs to be done on my teeth. I need glasses terribly. I’ve got severe PTSD, BiPolar disorder, and depression. I also have three herniated disks in my back and degenerative joint and disk disease. Basically what that means is that my spine is deteriorating. And to top it all off, I have been having issues with my stomach for almost six months now, to the point where I vomit in excess of 14 hours a day, for 3 to 5 days at a time. I’ve seen the doctor for it a few times and I’ve been hospitalized for it once, and they still haven’t figured out what’s going on.

I haven’t had health insurance since I was eighteen, so everything has gone untreated for almost six years now. Not good. Any time I’ve gotten sick and had to go to the doctor, I’ve had to have them bill me, which has all accumulated into so much debt that I’ll probably have to claim bankruptcy before the age of $25. How great is that? Thankfully if I do get accepted, anything from the past three months will be covered, but that won’t include the Appendectomy that I had in August, which I’ll never be able to pay for in a million years. Or the Tonsillectomy I had to have a few years ago, that I’m still being harassed about.

So here’s my plan, if I do indeed get accepted. [It's really hard for me not to get my hopes up. I'm going to be crushed if I get denied.]

First order of business: Submit all medical bills from the past three months to get them taken care of before it’s too late.

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No. Of course not. I haven’t slept in close to a week. I’m so exhausted and stressed out, my whole body hurts from it. On top of everything else, I haven’t had any real time with Lover in a few days, and I’m missing him pretty badly. I need a hug.

I turned in papers to hopefully get health insurance soon. I hope I get approved – I really need insurance badly. I need to go to the dentist like, 3 months ago. My teeth are rotting out of my face and they hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt before. I also need to get new glasses, a doctor to help control my moods/anxiety, and hopefully a pain management doctor to get my back fixed.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up. One of the papers that was required was a rent receipt, which my landlord refuses to give because she’s a petty cunt. [Windows are open, TV/Stereo is too loud, etc.] I had to write a letter stating that I couldn’t get it and include it with my application, so hopefully that covers it. I don’t want to get excited though.

I’m shot, man. I need some fucking sleep. I have to figure out how to make this happen, cause I’m going to go really go insane soon.