YESTERDAY
I had to wake up at 6 o’clock this morning to go to the doctors with Hubby. :sleepy: Apparently he fainted last night and had to rush there, and he had an appointment today for bloodwork. It took all of a minute and a half, maybe, in the doctors’ office. Afterward, we went to IHOP for breakfast, and I actually got to eat real food for the first time in daaays. I got Nutella crepes, which come with a shitton of Nutella [hazelnut chocolate spread that tastes like Heaven], sliced bananas inside, and whipped cream on top. They’re supposed to have those warmed strawberries in that strawberry sauce whatever on top, too, but I don’t like that. I just put strawberry syrup on top instead. It comes with three crepes, but I was only able to eat one. I brought the other two home with me, and now that I’m thinking about them I think I might want to go get one.

Hubby dropped me home after that, and I worked on The Speak Easy forums for a little bit before I fell asleep until like, 6 o’clock, when Romeo decided it was time for me to get up. I started working on the forums and the Cam Chat then, and started trying to get a hold of Hubby. No luck for quite a while, but I did get the forums and the camchat up. Once I did get a hold of him, he was almost done doing what he was doing and said he’d be here soon.

Keep reading…

I’m behind and I apologize. Yesterday was mine and Hubby’s 1 Year Re-Anniversary, but I don’t have the time to write about it now. That’ll have to come tomorrow. Tomorrow night we’re going to some birthday party for a girl we met for literally 5 minutes. That post will have to come Saturday. The only thing I have time for tonight is this:

I have only been on 1mg of Xanax for about 2 weeks, but I can already feel the difference it makes. It’s absolutely incredible. I feel like me again. My chest doesn’t feel heavy; it’s like I can breath again – My first real breath in a long, long time. Instead of holding my feelings in until I burst, I’m able to talk about them and solve the problem right then and there, without freaking out. I’m not embarrassed, or nearly as scared to leave my house, or especially my bedroom. I’ve been hanging out with friends more, and am even looking forward to this party tomorrow.

I still have bad days, where my anxiety is absolutely horrendous, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Those days, as bad as it sounds and as guilty as it makes me feel, I take .5mg to 1mg extra, depending on how much works.

Eventually I will feel better, and I feel like a whole new person. I’m happy. I’m confident. I’m more out going. I can handle myself a lot better. If something needs to be talked out, I can do so right away, calmly and responsibly.

I can’t believe how much of a change this has made in me so far. Especially since I’ve been taking it for such a short time. It’s amazing. I can’t imagine taking anything else. I’m really hoping that once I get to the psychiatrist, if I tell him how much of a difference this has made and the list of medications I’ve already tried and how much worse they made me, he’ll let me stay on it, despite the addiction warning.

It’s only 1 o’clock, but I am exhausted, as I have been super early every day this week. I don’t understand why. I’m not waking up much earlier than usual. Wow, that makes me sound lazy. I’m going to bed now. I have stuff to work on tomorrow, hopefully, before Hubby comes to get me. I’ve got a lot of learning to do to implement what I want to here and on Sweet Leaf Tribune I hope it turns out as great as it looks in my imagination.