I’m behind and I apologize. Yesterday was mine and Hubby’s 1 Year Re-Anniversary, but I don’t have the time to write about it now. That’ll have to come tomorrow. Tomorrow night we’re going to some birthday party for a girl we met for literally 5 minutes. That post will have to come Saturday. The only thing I have time for tonight is this:

I have only been on 1mg of Xanax for about 2 weeks, but I can already feel the difference it makes. It’s absolutely incredible. I feel like me again. My chest doesn’t feel heavy; it’s like I can breath again – My first real breath in a long, long time. Instead of holding my feelings in until I burst, I’m able to talk about them and solve the problem right then and there, without freaking out. I’m not embarrassed, or nearly as scared to leave my house, or especially my bedroom. I’ve been hanging out with friends more, and am even looking forward to this party tomorrow.

I still have bad days, where my anxiety is absolutely horrendous, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Those days, as bad as it sounds and as guilty as it makes me feel, I take .5mg to 1mg extra, depending on how much works.

Eventually I will feel better, and I feel like a whole new person. I’m happy. I’m confident. I’m more out going. I can handle myself a lot better. If something needs to be talked out, I can do so right away, calmly and responsibly.

I can’t believe how much of a change this has made in me so far. Especially since I’ve been taking it for such a short time. It’s amazing. I can’t imagine taking anything else. I’m really hoping that once I get to the psychiatrist, if I tell him how much of a difference this has made and the list of medications I’ve already tried and how much worse they made me, he’ll let me stay on it, despite the addiction warning.

It’s only 1 o’clock, but I am exhausted, as I have been super early every day this week. I don’t understand why. I’m not waking up much earlier than usual. Wow, that makes me sound lazy. I’m going to bed now. I have stuff to work on tomorrow, hopefully, before Hubby comes to get me. I’ve got a lot of learning to do to implement what I want to here and on Sweet Leaf Tribune I hope it turns out as great as it looks in my imagination.

Saturday, Hubby and I finally found somewhere to go where we can be together! I took a chance and text messaged my Aunt Lorie Saturday afternoon, explaining basically what was going on, and asked her if we could come visit for the night. She said yes, so we rushed right out there.

We hung out for a while. Aunt Lorie wasn’t doing very well, so I made her Split Pea soup and a PB&J sandwich, and my cousin, Cole, Vegetable Beef soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. My mouth hurt too bad to eat much of anything.

I love going to her house. It’s the only place I feel at home. It’s the only place I feel safe and free to do what I want. Once I get there, I never want to leave.

Cole gave up his bedroom for Hubby and I to have a place to sleep for the night, because he is the most awesome, considerate, adorable boy in the entire world. He’s seriously my favorite. We got to bed probably around 5 or 6; I know we went in there around 2:30, but we kept getting interrupted by my other cousin, Justin’s, retard friends. I got up probably around 2 or 3, and Hubby got up around 4:30. We both slept like dead babies.

We hung out until around 7:30 on Sunday, and then started our drive home. Hubby dropped me off and then headed home himself.

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