Take Me Nowhere

The Orchid G Gets an F from Me

Ally — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 00:42:24 +0000

When I started reviewing sex toys, one of the first ones to catch my eye was the Orchid G from Babeland. I had only had straight vibrators before, so the angled head was super captivating. I put off trying it out for a while, though, because it’s so thin. As it turns out, my worries were not in vain.

Sure, it’s waterproof and that’s awesome… It’s purple and sparkly, which is nice. Besides that, though, I really can’t think of anything to say about it. It’s way too thin; I felt like I needed another vibrator besides this one for actual penetration. It’s got one speed, when it says it’s supposed to vary, and this one speed is not at all satisfying. It was hard to keep it on my G-spot, as it kept turning over, and unless it’s directly on the G-spot, there’s nothing to gain from it. I am really, really disappointed with this toy.

I feel bad, cause I can usually find something positive to say about anything, but with this I just really can’t. I’m struggling to find words to say at all, even bad. I’m just completely speechless over this thing… Overall a big fat F from me. Unless the G stands for “God Awful”, in which case I’d have to give it an A+.

Close, but No Cigar

Jay — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:48:14 +0000

When I first saw the Julian Stud Ring, I knew I had to try it. I’ve never used a cock ring before, and, seeing how I’m pretty girthy, I didn’t know what size to get. I decided that the Julian’s Stud Ring from Babeland was my best bet, seeing as it’s fully adjustable. When it came in the mail, I instantly had to try it out.

I had high hopes, incredibly high hopes, for the Stud Ring, thinking that it would be God’s gift to man. I mean, c’mon! Something that prolongs sex and just generally makes it better? You can’t ask for much more than that. Instead, I was actually really, really disappointed with it, in more ways than one: Trying to find a way to make it fit tightly enough but still be comfortable was virtually impossible, the ends of the string coming off were more of a pain in the ass than anything else, and when I finally got it to a semi-comfortable position, it made sex more painful than I’ve ever experienced before. And above all, I didn’t even get off.

I can see this being a good product for people that are into BDSM or if you’re interested in straight up not cumming. And I don’t know about you, but I really enjoy cumming. I really have to give this thing two thumbs down.

Excuse the Appearance

Ally — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 07:35:04 +0000

I’m working on a new layout, but instead of closing everything down while I did it, I figured I’d keep it open. Bad idea, cause I’ve fucked some shit up and can’t figure out how to fix it. The header is fucked. The sidebars are fucked. The content is fucked. There’s no padding anywhere. It’s driving me crazy, but every time I fix one thing, something else goes wrong. I’m waiting for my good friend Bobbo will be willing to help me out in the next couple of days. I don’t want this place to look like shit much longer than that.

As for my affiliate sites: The code is there, the images aren’t showing up. I can’t figure out why. I’ll make sure that’s an A#1 priority. :)

Glorious is the First Word to Come to Mind

Ally — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 05:44:53 +0000

I’ve only seen a couple episodes of Sex in the City, but one of the first ones I ever saw featured the Elastomer Rabbit Habit, and I was instantly intrigued. I was only 15 or 16 at the time, so there was no chance of getting one. Now, almost 10 years later, I’ve finally gotten my hands on one, thanks to Babeland, and it’s everything I ever dreamed and more.

It’s girthy, which is really important to me. It’s got the beads that turn in the middle, which is absolutely fabulous. The rabbit is in the perfect spot for clitoral stimulation, which is wonderful. It’s got two different switches – One for the vibrator, and one for the rabbit. It’s absolutely perfect. It feels amazing. It’s really hard for me to get off, but this one did it for me. That’s definitely saying something.

I couldn’t have asked for a better vibrator. I wish I was more into masturbating so I could use it more, but I’m really not. Thank God Hubby likes to play with toys!

Impulse Flexi Rabbit: Intriguing, but Rather Dissapointing

Ally — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 05:28:27 +0000

I recently received the Impulse Flexi Rabbit, very excited because it was the first rabbit I’ve ever owned and I’ve wanted one for years. I immediately opened it and put the batteries in to turn it on and check out the settings. It’s got seven different vibration settings, ranging from really soft to really different to pretty strong.

The first thing I noticed after playing with the settings is that it’s super girthy, which is awesome for someone like me who likes to feel… full? Also, the shaft of it flexes so you can hit all your most sensitive spots.

Upon reviewing it, I had a couple problems with it… The vibrations weren’t really strong enough for me, and the rabbit attachment is in an odd place or angled weird, because it didn’t hit my clit at all. I was really disappointed at that, seeing as that’s what I was most excited for. It would probably be better for someone with a lower clit, so the rabbit will actually do something for them. The vibration patterns that it has are pretty nice, though. Most of them aren’t strong enough, but the ones that come close are wonderful. :)

Cleaning it is a breeze, seeing as it’s waterproofed. Just rinse it good with soap and water and store it in a dry place.

Impulse flexi rabbit Rabbit vibrator by California Exotic Material: TPR (Thermoplastic Rubber) Safety: $50.99 Buy from EdenFantasys
Rating:	Vroom:	Bee:
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

Our Story: The Very Beginning

Ally — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 04:30:21 +0000

Everyone has one, right? Seeing as this is now a relationship blog, I should probably give you the details of our relationship…

Our story starts out in 2002, when I was in eleventh grade, he in twelfth. We went to different schools, but we spent half a day at a Vo-Tech school. After my core class was finished, I transferred into Computer Programming, where I was one of three girls and twenty-some-odd boys. I was already friends with a couple of them, and Jay quickly introduced himself after yelling “Whoa, another chick!”

We flirted a lot in class and exchanged screennames to flirt online as well. He asked me out on a date and I got permission to go so long as it was a double date. I asked my friends Kara and Phil to come with us.

November 28, 2002 was our first date. It was Black Friday, and I had to work at FYE in the mall until like, 5 or something. Kara met me when I got out, and we walked around until it was time for the boys to show up. Phil came shortly thereafter, but JJ was a no-show. We waited around for a good hour – I called his house and his mom said he had already left – it turns out he had to celebrate Kelsea‘s birthday and then his grandmother made him go shopping for a new coat. We all really thought he was going to stand me up, but thankfully he finally did show.

We went and bought tickets for the new James Bond movie that was coming out, and then walked around the mall until it was time to go see it. Kara’s mom started calling and texting her telling her it was time to go, so she had to leave half-way through the movie. That was kind of bogus. After the movie, Phil left and Jay and I were left on our own.

We went to Johnny D’s and talked for a couple of hours about everything and anything we could think of. I was still really shy, so he did most of the talking, but it was a lot of fun. I ended up getting picked up somewhere around 11 if memory serves me correctly, and we said our goodbyes til we went back to school.

I remember talking to him online for a while from my aunt’s house and we were hardcore flirting. He was trying to say that he wanted to kiss me, but I completely misunderstood and thought he was already trying to fuck me. After we got that straightened out, he tried really hard for a few days to do it, but I was so shy and scared I kept turning my head or walking away. I had never had a real date or a real kiss or a real boyfriend at that point… He finally got the balls to straight up grab my face and just do it, which was surprising and incredible all at once.

We dated on and off through 2004, but he was also dating other girls at the same time, which I later found out about. It was a really rocky period for us, but nothing like it turned out to be later…

The Kama Sutra

Ally — Tue, 25 May 2010 03:21:02 +0000

Like most people I’ve talked to, I assumed The Kama Sutra was just some old Indian book with a bunch of pictures of people having sex in crazy positions. When I actually received my copy from EdenFantasys and looked inside, I was pleasantly proven very, very wrong. The book itself is covered in Japanese Silk with the title embossed in gold; it’s broken up into eight sections, and the positions are at the very end. This intrigued me; I had to look at what else was inside.

There are really only about 20 positions, most of which Hubby and I have done or still do a majority of the time, so from that perspective I was a bit disappointed, but the rest of the book dives deep into the essence of relationships, which was a surprise that totally made up for the lack of new positions for Hubby and I to try.

The rest of the Kama Sutra explains how to attract people, the principles of love, how to acquire a wife or husband, how to act like a wife, etc. There are several chapters in each section to explain how Vatsyayana intended, especially how the Kama (pleasure or sensual gratification) and Artha (wordly wealth) and Dharma (virtue or religious merit) tie into each.

It’s a very interesting read; I would recommend it to anyone open to a different religious view and wanting more of a spiritual bond with their partner, or anyone looking to better themselves as a partner.

$45.99Kama Sutra Book Book by Various Authors Buy from EdenFantasys
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

No False Advertising Here!

Ally — Thu, 20 May 2010 03:34:21 +0000

I received a box a couple of days ago and was dancing and screeching with excitement while I opened it. Inside, was my Orgasm in a Box (which much to my surprise, was in a bag) and the Julian’s Stud Ring from Babeland.

I took the ribbon off the OiaB and tied it around my head. I took the contents out and put them all together. Inside were four adorable little Babelube packets, a Silver Bullet, and a Bunny Tickler, along with two AA batteries.

I put the batteries into the remote part of the Silver Bullet and turned it as high as it would go and touched it to my nose. I know it sounds weird, but I’ve always heard it feels similar to how it would on your clit. I put the Bunny Tickler over it and did the same thing, and watched the bunny ears wiggling around. I was totally intrigued. I ran in and showed my mom.

I waited until today to use it, and I do have to say it’s the best vibrator I’ve had thus far. I’ve had a lot of problems trying to find vibrators with strong enough vibrations, but this one is perfect. Add the Bunny Tickler, and you won’t want to leave your bed for a month. I’m not even kidding.

I was all excited when Hubby came over to test out the toys together, but he wasn’t feeling up to it. I waited until he dropped me back off and, although I would’ve really liked to test it out together, it was well worth the wait and I had plenty of fun just by myself. Maybe we’ll get a chance to try it out along with the Julian’s Stud Ring so he can write the review for that!

As for my toys, they’re super easy to clean. The Bunny Tickler can just be run under hot water and washed with soap; the Silver Bullet should be washed with a soapy washcloth – not under water – because of the electrical cord to the remote.

Ten Tips for a Healthy, Happy Relationship

Ally — Tue, 18 May 2010 05:10:32 +0000

Not to say that we have the perfect relationship, or that we get along great all of the time, but I’ve thought of a list of things we do to keep our relationship happy and healthy and I thought you might find it interesting to read for yourselves.

Don’t go to bed angry! This is the most important thing in the world. If you’re having an argument, at least end it on a positive note at bedtime. If you go to bed angry, you’ll wake up in a shitty mood and you’ll be even more angry. Then there’s no chance of talking things out and making amends.
Talk about your problems as they come up; don’t allow everything to build up and explode in your faces. When you’ve got something on your mind, or your other half does something that pisses you off, say something! Don’t let it fester in your mind and build on top of everything else, because it’ll all end up making you crazy and shit will hit the fan. If you’re able to be calm and talk things out like responsible adults, everyone ends up happier.
Be honest. No matter what, don’t ever lie to each other. We remember the things the other says, but rarely remember exactly what you say to the other. It’s too easy to get caught up in your lies, and when you do, you tend to lie to cover up the previous lie. Who wants a relationship based on lies and deceit? Being honest with one another is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Compromise! We can’t have our way all the time, but there are ways of changing things around and altering your plans so that everyone is happy. If you can’t compromise, then there’s no relationship.
One thing I’m bad at is knowing when to ‘drop it’. When Hubby and I argue, I take it very personal and I feel like I have to fix things 100%. If I still feel like there’s more to be said, I say it. It’s super hard for me to just throw it aside and forget about it. It’s something we all have to work on.

Another one of the most important things in a relationship is support. If you can’t support each other, what can you do? Support each others ideas, dreams, and aspirations; don’t shoot them down because you think they’re ‘unrealistic’ or ‘stupid’ – Obviously your other half doesn’t think so, and you should always be there to cheer them on and, if whatever it is doesn’t work out, be there to catch them when they fall.

Get interested in each others’ hobbies. Let’s face it: sitting around on our asses all day is no fun at all. There are tons of things to do, and having new experiences is always a good time. Even if you don’t particularly like doing it, it’ll mean a lot to your other half if you just try. Seeing the happiness on your other half’s face will make it all worth it, and hey – maybe you’ll even have fun.

Keep your word. This is the biggest problem I’ve got with Hubby. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to call, call. If something comes up and you can’t help it, call and let the other person know why and what’s going on, and set a different time to do whatever it is. Being reliable shows that you care.

Communicate! For the love of all things Holy, talk to each other. Tell each other how you feel, what’s on your mind, whatever you feel like saying. Let your other half do the same. Communication is key – Miscommunication is one of the biggest problems I see in most relationships. Being on the same wavelength is super important.

Have sex. Yea, I said it. Sex is a different way of communicating. It’s important that you be passionate about your love for each other and that you show each other how hot that passion burns. You don’t have to have sex every day, or even every week or month, but it’s important to every relationship, whether we like to admit it or not.

I’m sure we’ll think of more to add to the list, but I figure ten is enough to start off with. I hope you find them as helpful as we do, and wish you and your partner the best of luck in your life together.

I Am Sliquid Smooth

Ally — Sun, 09 May 2010 09:32:33 +0000

I’m not going to lie – I don’t shave during the winter. Yea, it’s gross, but I’ve got a fiancée who loves me whether or not I have hairy man legs. Now that the weather is getting nicer, it’s time again to start shaving. The first shave of the spring is always the hardest for me, cause the hairs are long enough to wrap around and get caught up and tangled in the razor. It’s a huge fiasco that I hate going through, so I just don’t bother when the weather calls for long pants all the time…

I have one of those TrimStyle razors, with the regular razor on one end and the electric razor at the other. I usually have to go up and down my legs several times with the electric part first, just to trim the hair down so that the razor will cut it instead of getting the hair tangled in the razor. I still end up going through at least two razor heads, cause one always gets too caked up. I know, gross. But hey, at least I’m honest.

Now that I’ve got Sliquid Smooth Shave Créme (unscented) from Babeland, I’ll never have to go through any of that nonsense again! This stuff is a miracle in a bottle. It made it a million times easier to shave, and my legs feel super silky smooth now. I didn’t even have to use the electrical end – I just rubbed the créme onto my skin and shaved like regular, and the difference is amazing. There’s no stubbles left over or anything. And it’s not just for your legs, either! I was finally able to do a good job of shaving my pubic area, and even that was easier. Closest. Shave. Ever!

I wish I would’ve thought to take a before and after picture (of my legs!), but I didn’t, so you’ll have to take my word for it. I absolutely recommend this shaving créme to everybody! Male, female, and everything in between; whether they’ve got burly man legs like I did, or you shave like I probably should… I think I may start shaving during the winter again, but I know for sure I’ll never use another shaving créme again.