I’m going to start off by saying this: I. Hate. Christmas. It used to be my favorite day of the year. When I was younger, maybe til I was 11 or 12, it was the day I looked forward to all year long. It was the only day that I got to see all of my [dad's side of the] family, all at the same time. Every few years, I even got the chance to see my dad, brother, and sister.

Christmas mornings were always spent with Mom and Tom, up until I was 12. Then Mom left Tom for The Crackhead, and everything went downhill. When I was younger, there was usually a couple random family members from my mom’s side, like my Papa and Gramma, or my Uncles, Troy and Shane.

We’d wake up early and open presents first thing. After presents, we always had a french toast breakfast. After breakfast, we’d sit around together watching The Parade on television and playing with our new contraptions. My mom would make something like a pot roast or lasagna dinner, and we always ate at 3 or 4, which I always found peculiar.

Shortly after dinner with Mom, I would get dropped off at Nanny and Poppy’s house. I’d walk in and give my hugs and kisses and hellos, and then find my cousins to run around, play in the bedroom and living room, watch Disney movies, or chase the dog. Sometimes Poppy would play Pass the Pigs with us at the kitchen table. After a couple hours of playing, Nanny and Poppy would call us in for dinner. It was always a big turkey or ham dinner, the adults at their table and my cousins and I occupying the Kid’s Table. There was mashed potatoes and green bean casserole and stuffing and cranberry sauce and corn and anything else you could think of. We’d eat several servings of food before the desserts were brought out, and then we settled into the living room for presents.

My grandmother and grandfather always bought me Beach Boys and Bing Crosby cassette tapes, and video taped me singing silly songs. I still have a VHS tape of one embarrassing incident. Those are some of the only good memories of my childhood.

My Poppy died when I was 12 years old, and my whole family basically fell apart. My Nanny told us we had to ‘make appointments’ to go visit her. Nobody gathered together for holidays anymore. It seems we only see each other at funerals now: First my Uncle Tommy, then my Uncle Billy, and Nanny a few months ago.

It breaks my heart that we can’t all get together like we used to; I miss everyone so much. I’m ‘friends’ with a select few on Facebook, but we don’t really communicate back and forth very much. One of my cousins posted a few pictures from one of the last Christmases at Nanny and Poppy’s a few weeks ago and I started to tear up when I saw them. The whole family gathered together in the living room, smiling and genuinely happy. I think it’s the only photograph of the whole family together. There were also pictures of me and my siblings, the first time I met my sister. I remember the moments before and after that image was taken so vividly I can feel them, and it hurts my heart to know that nothing like that will ever happen again.

As far as my mom’s side of the family goes, they may as well not even exist. My Grandma and Poppa moved with my Uncle Shane down to Florida several years ago and refuse to have any contact with us. My Uncle Troy got married and had kids and refuses to talk to my mom, so I suffer by default. The only person I’m still close with from my mom’s side of the family is my Aunt Lorie, though she refuses to talk to my mom too. She’s the only one that didn’t let my mom get in the way of our relationship, and she’s always been like a second mom to me. A real mom, which is nice. She doesn’t celebrate Christmas though, which is why she hasn’t been mentioned til now. ;)

From the time I was 12 til around 16, I spent Christmas with Mom and The Crackhead, and from 16 on, I’ve spent Christmas with my Boyfriends’ families. Last year was the first time spending it back with The Annoyance and Crackhead, and it was utterly painful.

Christmas isn’t what it used to be. It doesn’t feel like it used to. I don’t look forward to it anymore. In fact, I down right dread it. I loathe spending any time at all with The Annoyance or her Crackhead boyfriend, so spending the whole day with them is torture. If I’m lucky, my fiancé’s grandmother will agree to have me over for dinner, so I’ll be able to escape rather early. After dinner there, we usually end up going to my (future) father-in-law’s bar for a few drinks. Depending on Grandma’s mood later, we either crash at her house or drive back into town to stay at mine.

This year is the first year in my life that there’s no Christmas Tree in my house. I’m not all about the huge tree and the decorating, but c’mon now… At least by a 2 foot tall pre-decorated something from The Dollar Store or something. There was no effort put into it at all. My mom was going to let me do my own shopping – For the first time ever, I actually made a list of the things I wanted to buy:

1. The Game of Things
2. A headset for the PC
3. Winter boots
4. Six Feet Under DVD Boxset
5. Posters/Tapestries – Something to hang on my walls
6. Body jewelry
7. ? RAM for the PC
8. ? A better webcam
9. ? Clothes
10. ? A better telephone for my bedroom
11. ? Books
    • The Peaceful Warrior Series by Dan Brown
    • I’ll Scream Later by Marlee Matlin
    • It Sucked and then I Cried by Heather Armstrong
    • Vintage Dita by Peter Czernich
    • Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein

I had actually picked out things to get other people, too, if I could get my hands on enough money.

Nothing turned out like I had expected. Nobody’s even happy to be in the same house as each other; we’re constantly at each others’ throats. Every time I leave my room, I get an attitude from someone for something. Nobody bothered asking what I wanted, and although I am getting pretty sweet gifts, I just wish I could have a say in something. I wish I could stop the bullshit for the day. I wish I could make people actually care about each other, even if just for 24 hours. I wish I could see family, and have just one more chance to experience The Happy Times.

Instead, I’ll be playing my Wii Sports Resort on my brand new Wii all day. I’m a bit late, but at least I finally got it! :D

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everybody! Have fun and make good memories… That’s really all life’s about.