I’ve been thinking more about the whole health insurance thing and I’ve come up with a plan. My ultimate goal is to be me again — I haven’t felt like me for several months and I don’t like it at all. I can’t deal with the constant stress and the way I’ve been feeling lately. I feel like I’m on the verge of needing to be put back into the psych ward, and it really scares me. That was one of the scariest things I’ve ever been through, but I almost feel like I need to go back and get some real help.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve got quite a few things that need to be addressed rather quickly. I’ve got over $3,000 worth of work that needs to be done on my teeth. I need glasses terribly. I’ve got severe PTSD, BiPolar disorder, and depression. I also have three herniated disks in my back and degenerative joint and disk disease. Basically what that means is that my spine is deteriorating. And to top it all off, I have been having issues with my stomach for almost six months now, to the point where I vomit in excess of 14 hours a day, for 3 to 5 days at a time. I’ve seen the doctor for it a few times and I’ve been hospitalized for it once, and they still haven’t figured out what’s going on.

I haven’t had health insurance since I was eighteen, so everything has gone untreated for almost six years now. Not good. Any time I’ve gotten sick and had to go to the doctor, I’ve had to have them bill me, which has all accumulated into so much debt that I’ll probably have to claim bankruptcy before the age of 25. How great is that? Thankfully if I do get accepted, anything from the past three months will be covered, but that won’t include the Appendectomy that I had in August, which I’ll never be able to pay for in a million years. Or the Tonsillectomy I had to have a few years ago, that I’m still being harassed about.

So here’s my plan, if I do indeed get accepted. [It's really hard for me not to get my hopes up. I'm going to be crushed if I get denied.]

First order of business: Submit all medical bills from the past three months to get them taken care of before it’s too late.

Second: Get my mouth fixed. I don’t have enough room in my mouth for my wisdom teeth, so three of them cracked so bad that there are only three sides to them. The other one is impacted and can’t grow in all the way. On top of that, I’ve got holes in several of my teeth from clenching and grinding them so badly. I’ve probably got a couple cavities, too. I think they said something about a root canal as well, but I’m hoping they can either fill it or pull it instead, seeing as it’ll just end up getting pulled eventually anyway. Once all my teeth are fixed, I need to get a custom mouth guard to wear at night so that I don’t ruin them anymore. I’ve used quite a few of the ones from the store, but I end up chewing right through them. Hopefully the one from the dentist is strong enough to prevent that.

Third: Work on my brain. I don’t care what I have to do: Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Therapist, whatever. I need to figure out something so that I can get my brain back under control. I need medication, unfortunately, but I’ll do whatever I have to do at this point. I hate having to talk to Psychiatrists and Therapists — I started going to them when I was seven years old, and every time I find one that I can actually trust and get comfortable with, they ended up leaving me (moved away, stopped practicing, etc.). Story of my life: Everyone I love leaves or dies. It scares me to get comfortable with anyone else because of it. But again, I’ll do it if I have to.

I think I’m going to start documenting the way I feel throughout the day so that I can get a real look at how my brain has been working lately. Every time I go to a doctor like this, I end up freezing and not saying the right things or asking the right questions, and I feel like I end up getting misdiagnosed and mistreated because of it. It doesn’t help that I’m so un-trusting – It’s hard for me to just spill everything out on the table right away, which is what I really need to do to get what I need out of this.

Fourth: Glasses. I’ve had the same pair of glasses since I was in the third grade, I think. They no longer work at all; my eyes have definitely deteriorated a lot since then. I’ve got something called lazy eye, but it’s not what most people think of when they hear that. I don’t have one creepy eye staring off into space; my eyes are, thankfully, where they should be. Instead, when I concentrate on something or read for a long time, my eyes get tired fast and start going crazy. My eyes start crossing and I begin seeing double, or the words start moving around the page. It feels like an acid trip, heh.

That used to be my only problem, but since then my eyes have gotten to the point where everything past a few feet away is real blurry. I can’t read road or window signs, I can’t make out the titles on the Guide on my television or menus at fast food places. If I want to read books, I have to hold them two inches from my nose. I see weird spots in front of my eyes a lot of the time, too. It’s definitely time for me to go see the Optometrist and get me some new glasses. I think that will help with my migraines, too.

And finally: My back. As I mentioned above, I’ve got three herniated disks and degenerative joint and disk disease. I was diagnosed when I was 16 and treated until I was 18, but have gone until now without any treatment. Due to the condition being degednerative, I’m sure that the damage has progressed further up my spine now. This condition causes constant, chronic pain that is made worse by just about everything: sitting for too long, standing for too long, laying down for too long, lifting something too heavy, stepping the wrong way, any sudden movement, etc. I need to find a Pain Management doctor who will take care of me properly, (i.e. do the proper tests, give me Physical Therapy, prescribe the right medications if needed) which is pretty hard to find. Most doctors are too lazy and just want to throw pain killers at you and think they’ll cure everything, when really they’re just creating more drug addicts.

I think if I can get all of this accomplished, I’ll be able to get back to being me again. I don’t want to be in constant pain, in perpetual anxiety-induced manic episodes, being forever a miserable cunt anymore. That’s not me. I used to love life; waking up in the morning and going outside to read a book and lie down in the grass. I never turned down hanging out with friends or going for adventures. Having meaningful conversations is my absolute favorite thing in the world, but I can’t remember the last time I had one. I was interested in things: I was constantly researching and learning new things to write and talk about. I was constantly painting or reading or knitting or doing anything creative I could think of. I loved fiddling with code to make layouts and playing with PhotoShop to make pretty graphics. None of that has interested me lately. It’s hard for me to get out of bed most days; partly because I can’t sleep at night, but mostly because I can’t bring myself to face the day. Most of the time, just looking at my computer screen gives me an anxiety attack. I can’t concentrate long enough to comprehend anything I read. By the time I get to the end of a sentence, I can’t remember the beginning. By the time I get to the end of the page, I have to start all over again. Everything I paint, I find completely hideous and can’t even bear to look at it. I’m not interested in anything enough to actually research it, which has made Sweet Leaf Tribune a baron wasteland…

I can’t stand myself anymore. Seriously. I just want to be me again. I want to be stable and happy. I want to be motivated to get back into the things I’ve always loved doing. I need to be motivated to get back into working, too. It’s really hard to be motivated and inspired when all I can think about is how much of a failure I’ve been lately. I really hope I can get out of this rut soon, and I really hope that in getting this insurance, I can get the help I need to get there.