I’ll admit it, I love reading sex advice. More specifically, I love reading the ridiculousness that people are calling advice targeted towards women and I truly hope that no woman reads most of this shit and actually takes the “advice” given.

Here is the most recent thing I’ve read that I literally wanted to take the writer by the throat and shake them.

“I hate giving blow jobs, but my boyfriend loves them. How can we compromise?”—Not Into Head, via email

And here’s the answer:

“I don’t mean to sound harsh (well, sometimes I do), but stop being selfish. No girl is ever like “OMG OMG it’s blowjob time!! Yaaaayyyy!!”, but we realize that it’s something that gets our guy off. And that’s what should turn YOU on.”

Yes, women who don’t enjoy the lovely lockjaw feeling that is acquired when going down on some guys (Don’t get your hopes up, guys, it’s only some of them) and I am also willing to bet that most women don’t necessarily enjoy the taste of wet garbage in their mouths that is acquired when going down on most guys (Yes guys, most likely you.)

To tell a woman that she is selfish because she doesn’t want to suck dick and then following up with “The only compromise I can tell you is that if your man is going down on you, then you should go down on him.” is bullshit. This writer is telling women that by not going down on her man she is selfish, but a compromise would be for him to reciprocate? Why is sucking dick a standard when going down on a woman is a compromise? If going down on your boyfriend, husband, fuck buddy or what have you, is supposed to turn you on, then don’t you think it should turn him on to give you oral pleasure; I mean, using common sense here, you would naturally think that–But that is not the ’socially acceptable’ answer. Why, exactly, is it socially acceptable to think that all women should go down on men but the men are by no means required to reciprocate? Oh, that’s right, because the sexual pleasure of women does not matter, or if you’re most of the male population, it does not exist.

Here’s my advice for Not Into Head:
Feed your man an entire pineapple (it makes his cum taste a lot sweeter and gives an all around more pleasant experience to him ejaculating), take your pants off, point out where your clitoris is (because sadly, women’s anatomy is lost on most men and your clit is most often two inches over from where he thinks it is) and tell him that you will reciprocate once he gives you sexual pleasure. Remember ladies, you are equals no matter what bullshit your man is trying to feed you and that applies to all facets of life–In and out of the bedroom.

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About a week ago, Holly introduced me to Affirmagy, a woman owned business in Seattle, Washington spreading the power of affirmations. They have several “Affirmawraps,” or throw-blankets, available with very inspiring words and phrases on them. As soon as I saw the one with the word PEACE, I knew I had to have it.

I’ve been having a really awful couple of days. I have had bad depression and anxiety problems for as long as I can remember, but I’m usually pretty good at stuffing them deep down in hopes that nobody will notice the ticking bomb that is me.

Over the past few days, I seem to have lost my knack for stuffing and hiding because the bomb went off and I’ve done nothing but sulk and explode into tears, wishing for a deep dark hole to crawl into.

I came home today (and we all know how much I love being home) to find a box on the couch with my name on it. I was expecting to open it to find a pipe bomb, but much to my surprise, it was the exact opposite!

I opened it to find my Peace Affirmawrap, along with a very kind, personal (and handwritten!) note from Kristen. It couldn’t have come at a better time, really. As corny as it may sound, reading the inscription on the blanket made me feel a bit better about myself. It helped to perk up my mood at least, and it gave me the push I needed to do the things I needed to do today. (Which I probably wouldn’t have bothered doing otherwise.)

I am calm and centered ø I am a magnet for east and grace ø I attract peace and prosperity ø I embrace diversite ø I am an advocate for peace ø My sense of self radiates around me ø Each day I take time to be still ø Peace has power ø Together we create peace and harmony ø Peace begins with me ø We all have individual gifts to give ø I treat others with respect and reverence

Now that I’m finished, I’ve changed into comfortable clothes and I’m lying in bed, wrapped in my new Peace blanket. I’m totally in love with it. The microfiber material is super soft and comfy, and it’s keeping me perfectly warm while it’s freezing both outside and in my bedroom. And best of all, I really feel at peace with everything right now.

It’s 7am and I haven’t been to bed yet, but I got to spend the night talking with one of the most amazing people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and she (along with this fantastic blanket) has helped me to make a crack in the rut I’ve been stuck in, and hopefully soon I’ll really be okay again.

I know that this isn’t a traditional product review, but with the subject of affirmations, I felt this would be the best way to go about it.

I really, really (HUGEBOLDSPARKLINGREALLY!!!) recommend Affirmawraps to everyone. There are several to choose from; the one I have is from the Limited Spring Edition, along with Compassion, Inspiration, and Joy.

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Need a vacation? I sure do. Only problem is I don’t have the money.

If you have a job, a phone, and a bank account, there’s a site that gives Vacation Loans up to $1000! There’s a 99 percent approval rate, and you can have the money wired straight to your personal bank account and be on your way for a ‘last hoorah’ before School starts again this Autumn.

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A common question for pot smokers, especially those still living at home with parents, is “How can I smoke without stinking up the house?” Being a pot smoker and still living with mine, I’ve asked this question many times; Thankfully, I found the answer. Now I’ll share it with you:

Make a Spoof!

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